A month has gone by and I haven’t wrote anything for my blog – I am a terrible blogger!
Truth is the last couple of weeks have been the hardest for a variety of reasons which I will explain and hopefully it will make me feel better and I can move on.
Everyone suffers with anxiety at some point in their life. Whether it is before an exam or you just get it. Well, for the last couple of weeks, I have had non-stop anxiety and panic attacks due to the stressful situations I am in.
I’ve recently become a YouTuber which is what my last couple of posts have been about and my anxiety is why I started YouTube to help me get through and find a way to fight it. Recently, I haven’t been able to get out of bed on the weekends and my days off work. I had a long weekend booked off from work and all I did was cry, stress myself out more and binge watch television shows. I have not felt myself in a long time and this massive wave of anxiety has finally shown me who I am and who I want to be.
Reason why I haven’t uploaded a new YouTube video in a month is because I have been putting myself down and really haven’t found the confidence to do it but fear not! I am uploading a video next week because I can not live my life under this cloud which is weighing me down.
My anxiety has stemmed from me putting myself down and I need to stop doing this. It’s just hard to not put myself down when I have changed who I used to be and this change is not for the better. I’ve lost so much from this bad change I made, I lost my boyfriend, I lost my best friend and I lost myself. Finding myself is the hardest thing because of how I have been putting myself down but after getting my best friend back, she has helped me a lot and made me realise all the things I have changed and ways to be able to get them back to normal.
I was drinking ever since weekend to the point of being sick and I really didn’t care. When I look back on it now, I realise how stupid that was and that I didn’t need to deal with my problems that way because by doing that, I pushed away the people who would have been there for me and help me through. I used to stay up late every single evening with my friends til 1-2am at my flat which I shared with my boyfriend. This caused lots of problems between me and him which overall lead to us falling apart. I really did change for the worse. I was really inconsiderate and now I have to deal with the consequences which I am trying so hard to change.
From staying up late every evening, my body adjusted to going to sleep at 1-2am and then when my anxiety got worse and the stress kicked in of losing everything important to me, I got the good old insomnia which made me worse. My whole routine has been thrown out of balance. The stress has cut my eating down dramatically to only one meal a day and this is making me even more exhausted. I get into bed at a reasonable time now and I lie there with my eyes closed for hours. I get headaches from how tired I am but I just can’t switch off.
I’ve spoken to my close family and friends about my anxiety and they are all helping me the best they can but thinking about the future just terrifies me at the moment. I lost the best thing to ever happen to me and I am determined to get him back and prove that things will be okay but this takes time after all the hurt and upset I have caused him but my future is not complete without him. My two best friends I can rely on with all my secrets, all my bare feelings and who I can feel completely vulnerable around and they wont take advantage of me are leaving next year to follow their dreams (which I completely proud of them both). Ryan is leaving for the Navy in February and Keira who is leaving in May to go travelling the world and maybe live in Australia/New Zealand and get a working visa. Thinking about them two leaving puts a lump in my throat because they both mean a huge amount to me.
So I am still here, just fighting to get myself back to the bubbly goofy silly girl I once was.