This post is a little spontaneous as I saw a picture on Facebook the other day and thought about how I was so proud of myself and how far I have come over this last year.
Beginning of the year, I was a sensitive, emotional ball of anxiety and looking at the months, I can see how much I have blossomed and grown as a person. For those who are close to me and know me on a personal level – I was the worst version of myself.
January is a blur for me. I was in with the wrong crowd. I was getting drunk all the time and I met a boy who pretty much used me and then threw me away like I didn’t matter. Around this time, my anxiety and depression was sky high hence all the drinking. I was worrying about where I was going to live and feeling scared about living on my own. I was not coping at all.
February was a roller coaster of emotions. Lots of good things happened for me this month and of course lots of bad things. Beginning of the month I was on tablets to help with my anxiety and I was feeling very ill for a couple of days and suffered with insomnia. Bright side, I found out I had got my flat and this made me extremely happy before the panic of paying for everything kicked in. Around this time was when I reconnected with Gareth and we got along so well and he helped me a lot even though he lived in Wales. I remember saying up all night tidying my old flat to move out and he stayed up talking to me all night until I fell asleep. I had to get a second job to afford everything thus landing my position at the Townhouse.
March was the month I picked my sorry arse off the ground and built myself up. Gareth had moved back to Hampshire from Wales and pretty much moved in with me straight away. Everything was perfect and I was so happy to be with him. We spent a lot of time together and knew that we were meant to be.
April, I cut a lot of people out of my life for the sake of my mental health and my relationship. At this point, I knew I loved Gareth and our relationship was just getting stronger and stronger. My great nan was very ill and she lived in Newcastle so my mum and I got a flight to Newcastle to say goodbye. A few weeks later she passed away and this was heartbreaking but she is in a better place now. During this month, I plucked up the courage to go meet Gareth’s parents for the first time. I had never been to Wales before and his parents were so lovely and welcoming. After that first meeting, I wasn’t anxious anymore!
May was a shaky month as Gareth was having a lot of problems with his back which made me worried about him. He was off work for a while to look after himself and his broken back. It was a month of celebrations – Gareth’s 24th and my sister Megs 18th. Within myself, I was feeling better. I was happy for once and I kept my anxiety at bay even though I met a lot of Gareth’s close friends for his birthday.
June was same old, same old. Work, sleep, repeat. I was loved up and couldn’t be happier. At this point, I was starting to worry about paying for the flat with all the bills coming in and Gareth not having a job but we got passed it.
Now July was the jammed pact with fun month! I received a call asking me to go in for a modelling interview and at this point, I was not confident at all and I wanted to ruin away from this opportunity. Confided in my best friend Ellen and Gareth and they both told me I would be stupid to miss this chance. Gareth and I also took on a challenge of our own when we went to visit his parents. We decided to climb Snowdon (blog post here). Baring in mind that I was/am a very unhealthy person and the thought of exercise makes me crawl into bed, plus Gareth has a back held together by screws and metal plates. We did it and honestly, one of the best experience of my life and I’m happy to have shared it with my best friend/love of my life. So, model interview came around and I had 3 photo shoots and a meeting at the end. I enjoyed every second of my time there and at the end in the meeting, I was told that I have a unique look about me and there is a high demand for people like me. I was thrilled, over the moon that my dreams came true.
August was my birthday month and as always I have a small thing with my family. I don’t like the fuss. Birthdays are just another day of the year. In this month, I lost all my self confidence over my model thing due to friends taking the mick without realising how much this affected me. I eventually got over this but my confidence has never been the same. Plus side, this was the month I met Darcy, Beki and Katy who I have now got a joint blog and YouTube with. These girls have helped me progress as a blogger/vlogger and I can not thank these girls enough.
September I started my Access course to help me out on my path to become a Chiropractor and I am honestly loving this course so much. Its so interesting and its easy to understand. Plus having a boyfriend who is medically trained and more than happy to help is a bonus. This was the launch month for the joint blog and YouTube and we were all so happy and eager to do it. Now I don’t cope with pressure and since I was starting college, I quit my job at the Townhouse but Gareth was still struggling to get a job because of his broken back. Stressing and worrying about money really affected my mood and how I was
October, last month, I felt like I was back to square one this month. Me and Gareth had his friend Marcus come down from Wales as they had been friends for years but never actually met. Gamer nerds! So it was lovely to be able to spend time with him and get to know him better. Gareth was over the moon and so happy bless him. Later on in the month I discovered something which really hit home and made me stand back and look at where my life is going and if I even want to be on this path since it would affect me a lot. I was a hormonal, stressed ball of anxiety again with the added bonus of paranoia. It felt like my life wouldn’t be the same again and I was confused. Gareth got a job which he really loved to do and right now as I type, he is doing his induction and I couldn’t be more proud of him.
I know this is a long post but I have grown as a person. I have learnt what’s right and wrong and put myself in situations which I would run from. I’ve been the happiest ever and I’ve been the lowest ever but overall, this has shaped who I am today. I’ve stuck up for myself and I am working on getting that confidence back.